Monday, January 05, 2009

Raccoon Racket

Dear Squirrel,

I have wronged you, my brethren. I am but a humble servant of God and beg your forgiveness. Cast me into the lake that burns with fire and brimstone, or might I suggest directing your ire toward your fellow woodsman, Raccoon?

Because that's who climbed up on my dogwood branch and figured out how to lift the cylinder, undo the hook, and knock the birdseed to the ground. And that caused me to talk so much smack about you.

I know it must be hard to co-exist with such a cunning, shady sort of character. Ideally your kinsman would take ownership for his indiscretion but instead, he was fine to send you walking down the plank.

In an effort to make right with you, Squirrel, I have taken a few steps which we'll call "Coup de Coon" and should restore your honor and good name amongst the forest creatures (most notably the groundhog who is really judgy-judgy and ready to see you fry in the chair). Firstly, I have now rigged the hook with a rubberband which seems to've capped his dexterous prowess. As I write this note, you should know I also am prepared to establish a camera to actually capture Raccoon in his attempts to unseat the seeds. You see, he only left behind his tracks and muddy paw prints during the last crashing of the feeder.

Finally, if you look under the lichen-covered rock you will find a small dagger which I recommend you use as a shank when night falls. Make yourself flat against the retaining wall like a good ninja and when he ambles down the flagstones use the light of the moon to swiftly, sharply, restore justice to the kingdom.

I'm here for you if you need any other guidance, and again, please accept my most humble apologies for my false accusation.

Yours truly,


No comments: