Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Lottery Ticket

So if I win tonight's drawing of the Gazillionaire lottery - tickets purchased in Kentucky last weekend, thankyouverymuch - I will feel compelled to buy a horse farm in Lexington. Versailles, probably. And on this farm I shall have a pilates studio. And it shall be called Roblates, because you'll never be good enough, and while I might quash the silent torture in my head with an occasional Xanax and vodka-tonic, at least everyone's bum will be jacked up up on their back. And that's a good thing, right?

Plus, we'll have really cute ponies and grow organic mushrooms from the used straw bedding and I shall establish a charity for people who need things because, really, I'm already pretty damned blessed. I have health, friends, and family. What else do I need? (Besides the obvious Gazillions, right?)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I'm Outta Time And All I Got Is 4 Minutes ...

OK, you know today at lunch I'm skipping over to Target to score me some "Hard Candy." Even though I could easily download it, I have to have the CD. I know, I know, it makes me so 36 when I say stuff like that but you should rest assured knowing that I do, indeed, know how to rip and convert a CD to MP3. There's just something about having the CD that makes it easier on a road trip. And I did have the "Confessions on a Dancefloor" album in the #1 spot in the 6-disc changer of my truck for 2 solid years. True story.

I am going on a road trip this weekend and I'm REALLY excited about it. I cannot wait. There's a prize awaiting me at the destination that I'm going to announce next week once we're all safe and secure back in Ttown. He's big, brown, and pretty well-traveled. And that's all I'm saying ...

Monday, April 28, 2008


OK, we're back from Rolex. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Three-day eventing is quickly becoming Ultimate Fighting Challenge or, in some regards, the live equivalent of a snuff film. I cannot sit by idly and after bearing witness to a rotational fall wherein I was 100% positive the rider was killed (by nothing short of a miracle she wasn't), I have decided to put my energy into assisting in the solution for eliminating rotational falls in the sport.

The venue in Kentucky is too much fun for me and my peeps (in this pic l-to-r Teresa, Ryanna, myself) to have to get slapped in the face with death. And I know it's the same for 50,000 other spectators. And I know the riders feel the same way. And the horses, too.

Join me in my crusade. More to follow.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Comic Gold

I love Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French. In the spirit of Bjorkiness, I thought I'd share this one. I do admit this is how I often feel when I'm in the grocery store. And I do admit I nearly snorted coffee through my nose watching this. Be warned.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy Earth Day!

I had to post a pic from Saturday's triathlon just to show the proximity. It was a cool thing to witness and God love those athletes for swimming in the supafunk that is the Black Warrior River. Triathlons, by the way, are the best way to feel fat and horrible about yourself. Especially when the Olympic trial runs concurrently with collegiate nationals so you get the young factor slapped in your face too. However, I am not bitter because old happens and all a brother can do is keep up with his routine, know what I'm sayin'?

Speaking of a brother, check out who got quoted (incorrectly, of course, because that's the nature of the beast when it comes to speaking with the media) in a news story on Earth Day! Wind it up, y'all! And remember, conserve conserve conserve. Stop using plastic, period. Recycle your paper. Reduce your carbon footprint by riding a bicycle or walking when possible. Plan errands so you aren't routinely cranking your car and traveling all over town. Make the Earth better, before we all roast ourselves alive.

This note brought to you by Henny Penny Robby. The sky is really falling. Or is it?

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Slippers

To say I have had the best weekend ever would be something of an understatement. I think the only thing I didn't accomplish this weekend was authoring a valid peace treaty between Hamas and Israel, but it's coming ... I just know it is.

Though it poured rain Friday night Saturday dawned positively gorgeous and our company picnic went off without a hitch. Softball, great lunch, and fun with co-workers on a glorious April day. What could be better? If you guessed meeting up with your homeboy to watch the men's Olympic qualifier at the Tuscaloosa Tripalooza, you're right! Down here in West Alabama, we get excited when things happen in our lil' ol' town. Sorta like the kids in the movie "Coal Miner's Daughter" when Doo comes driving up and they be all "Stranger Comin'! Stranger Comin'!" I did get some really cool photos and I'll post more tomorrow. It was inspiring to say the least.

Moving right along, I did get my sushi and beer on with another homey, then yesterday I was bitten with my crazy cleaning bug and my apt is all sparkling AND I finally hung these hooks in my closet for my plethora of baseball caps and decided to purge some clothing. Which brings me to my maroon vinyl Airwalk sneakers that I totally bought in 1995 and haven't worn since 1996. Even though I try I can't let go. But now I am. But the big question is, do I send them to my friend in New Orleans for his costume closet, or to local charity thrift shop? It seems logical to send them back to NOLA, from whence they came. Total purchase from Bongo back in the day. God I miss that store.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Hummingbird Totem

My Cousin Vickie (MCV) sent me this yesterday because she's awesome and that's the bottom line. I was touched by her email forward that she knew I would love based on my post earlier this week. Thanks MCV! I am sorry we scratched your name off the club members list when we were kids. The Hayloft Club was a little sketch anyway. I mean, pigeons and an old mattress and REALLY old hay, plus Salem cigarettes? Sounds like some nightclubs I've frequented in my club career life. For some reason it also makes me want to take a shower and scrub the grime - the sin! - off.

Anyhoodle, I read all of those Jean Auel books - the series that began "The Clan of the Cave Bear" when I was much younger. Set tens of thousands of years ago when humans had just evolved into homo sapiens and were co-existing with "flatheads," which were their previous version and whose scientific name I cannot recall though they would be like "The Missing Link" or the cavemen from the Geico commercial. Damn, what are they called? UPDATE: They're called Neanderthals. It came to me at bedtime last night. Ahhhh, bedtime. Or, as I like to call it, when the crazy comes on!

Anyway, these primitive ancestors believed each of them had an animal totem that lived within them. It was preferable to have a really strong animal totem - like a bear, a lion, etc. I believe my animal totem is a hummingbird. That's hot, right? I also could NOT believe when I filled up my little blue hand-blown hummingbird feeder and installed it in the pink dogwood outside my office window and, hours later, noticed all of the damn food had somehow emptied out of the feeder and NOT because there was a swarm of hummingbirds feeding in it. CABF, does yours do this? Give me some hints on how to defy gravity and modern tubular engineering to be successful in my efforts to surround myself with my totem. It's critical to my existence. Thanks dawg!

So here's what MCV's message said. "This is something I have never seen before, or ever even heard of. This lady lives in a Hummingbird fly zone. As they migrated, about 20 of them were in her yard. She took the little red dish, filled it with sugar water and this is the result.

The Woman is Abagail Alfano of Pine, Louisiana - she has been studying them daily and one morning put the cup from the feeder, with water in it, in her hand; as they had gotten used to her standing by the feeder they came over to her hand. She says in touching they are as light as a feather. Abagail also said'if she had known her husband was taking pictures she would have put on makeup."

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Kentucky Creeping Up

A week from today I'll be making last minute packing decisions then carting my arse to the aeropuerto to head up to Lexington, Kentucky for The Rolex Kentucky Three-Day Event. It is quite honestly my most favorite annual mecca and I find it hard to believe that this will be my 10th year attending.

Eventing has suffered some additional negative press in the past month, since the unfortunate outcome at Red Hills in Tallahassee which left two advanced horses dead from pulmonary hemorrhages and my friend Darren Chiacchia fighting for his life after a rotational fall on his stallion Baron Verdi.

It is a sport of great risk, and our equine partners are such amazing, respected, cared-for athletes that it is sometimes counter-intuitive to think we ask them to gallop at speed over fixed obstacles. But that is the name of the game and it's what makes the victory sweeter and gives us the verve to survive the turmoil.

Please keep Darren in your thoughts and if you're so inclined, donate to his emergency fund. He has a very long road ahead of him and will need much assistance.

My favorite thing about visiting Kentucky - besides Kentucky and that incapable-of-description seeped-in-Bluegrass feeling that one gets when they visit - is the camaraderie and seeing my friends who flock from all over the country and world to spectate. It will be rife with bourbon and filled with unbridled love and affection. It feeds my soul all year and I am high on endorphins just thinking about it.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

All alone I have cried, silent tears full of pride ...

First things first, if you think I don't have "What A Feeling" added to a new playlist, you're wrong. I so do.

Secondly, I am sure I have some sort of tumor or thyroid problem because despite my diligent dietary attention AND cardio and exercise I have gained 3.5 pounds since Monday morning. WTF? I mean, really, what is that about? I think I'll make an appointment with my physician just to be safe.

Thirdly, I don't think anyone promotes thinness (France is trying to ban companies from using models who are too thin). In communications there is a theory called "Agenda-Setting," which essentially posits that the media don't tell you what to think, they just tell you what to think about. I believe this is true.

And dammit, I should be as scrappy as Billy Idol is in this pic.

The end.

Monday, April 14, 2008

R does R (and R)

One of the things I've recognized about myself, and that I'm really trying to evolve, is my fantastic ability to live in idea mode, and my apparent weakness in taking action on my ideas.

Point in case: my friend Ms. CA Beard (holla!) gave me this really fabulous hummingbird feeder a few years ago. I have had it hanging on my deck but have never put food in it for the lil' zipsters which is probably very cruel but it's just one more thing, you know?

Anyway, my office has this fantastic floor-to-ceiling window where hummingbirds routinely commit suicide by dive bombing, so I've decided to hang the feeder at work, right outside the window. I even went to Home Depot yesterday morning and bought the food, and red fingernail polish to repaint the rubber tip which had faded completely to white. I thought that was a brazilliant little trick.

I remind myself of a hummingbird. Constantly buzzing about and only occasionally coming in for a quick sip. As such, I did absolutely nothing constructive this weekend. I went to the gym, I went to the A-Day game, I hung out with friends, I watched a DVD: but I did none of the projects that I had envisioned and, you know, I'm OK with that. I feel good and that's what matters.

I also did something I've wanted to do for a few years: bought basil, thyme and chive seeds in the $1 bin at Target and have them starting in my window. I'm going to transfer them out the patio as soon as they germinate. I love having fresh herbs and think it's high time I get back on that wagon!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Stop Dumping

Youse guys, I'm seriously not starving and saving for a trip to the Mediterranean to swim in pollution! WTF is this all about? Seriously? Dumping? Why? Who thinks this is a good idea? "OMG, the ship's full y'all, guess I'll just have to dump it!" All I have to say is the muthafucka'd better be clean when I dip my lily-white arse in it this summer. Otherwise, I ain't skeert to shiv a bitch, especially one who isn't into our environment.

And speaking of environment, check out my amaryllis! I'm so proud of them this year - each bulb is blooming and there's a new baby bulb that is putting up green. You probably know the story of my amaryllis but, if not, here you go. I love it when they bloom. They remind me of my grandparents. They remind me to work hard, to appreciate the beauty in things, to propagate and not in the literal sense - just to share myself with others and to genuinely care about people and the world in which we live.

This message has been brought to you by EnviroRobby. As seen on TV. Look for him on shelves in your local Bed, Bath & Beyond in 2008.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008


In case you've been out of the country, in a coma, locked in a dungeon, or generally too busy to watch the news, here's the synopsis: polygamous compound in Eldorado, Texas, disbands after a girl tips off police to the horrid goings-on inside. Like grown-damn-men marrying pubescent girls, and transferring them between compounds across the West like commodities, or cattle, so they could "serve" these douchebag pedophiles as wives.

But don't be surprised. The local officials sure weren't. In fact, they'd been aware of the snake in the grass all along. I don't profess to know much about radical Mormonism. I have been to Salt Lake City once and can only say the Mormons I met there, especially this sweet little lady wearing a blindingly chartreuse suit outside the Tabernacle who gave us some sales collateral, as well as others I've known and know in my life, are lovely people. I don't mean that in a "I have black friends" way either. I just mean that unfortunately it's usually the squeaky wheel that gets the oil and, where the media is concerned, the exposure and attention.

But I do understand crimes against humanity, and no person deserves to be extracted or withheld from our global society to sate someone else's greed, ego, and general ill-intentions. I value freedom - freedom of thought, expression, of will - at such an important level that it infuriates me to hear of this wretched story of enslavement.

I'm so thankful one had the courage to speak up. I'm so sorry it had to happen this late in the game.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Psychic Friends Network

Do you guys remember when I totally called it shared my Celebrity Lesbian dream about Bjork awhile ago?

Dude, seriously, I didn't even know she had a new album out, must less a video, much less a video with someone riding on her back LIKE SOMEONE WAS DOING IN MY DREAM.

What do you make of this? Am I on some sort of existential connected plane with Bjork?

I do admit this video is way rad. Song is typical Bjorktastic, but I really think the video is amazing.

Please, people, please. If you'd like to know your future, just send me an email. My witchiness knows no boundaries.

9 to 5: And Not In That Way

My new vow is to go to sleep at 9 p.m. so I get a full 8 before I snap up at 5. I am getting really old. The value of a rigid schedule is apparent, but I'm so go-with-the-flow sometimes. I'm taking a new approach to my life ... I'm putting fun in the back seat and on a grading score of 1 to 5, with 5 being Life Changing Memorable Fun and 1 being I'd Have Rather Been In Bed Reading Fun. If it doesn't rank at least a 3, I'm not doing it.

Friday, April 04, 2008

Make Me A Supermodel

I am thrilled that Holly won Make Me A Supermodel because she really is beautiful in a very supermodely sort of way. All hail Holly! I did some Googling and cannot even find Colburn, Virginia, on the map. My daddy is from the VA, and I love me some VA, so I was hoping I could connect everyone with Miss Squirrel Gravy's hometown but you'll just have to imagine a place where people have few teeth and sing a lot of bluegrass. Personally, I love places like this even though I have teeth and cannot sing a lick. Or, I guess, I love the idea of these sorts of places. So I'm happy that sister gotz her model won.

This also marks another free hour in my life. For 12 weeks I have committed to watch from 9-10 and y'all know I turn into a pumpkin at 9 so it was real work for me. Thankfully there's coffee. Which I'm drinking right now. What? What? I didn't think so.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Making Up For Lost Time

I don't want it to be awkward for anyone the next time you see us together so you should know that I've gotten back together with coffee, at least for this week or until the bag of whole Green Mountain beans run out. It's been 15 months since I've brewed a morning pot but this week it just felt like the right thing to do. Like "Love Song" from The Cure, "Whenever I'm alone with you, you make me feel like I am whole again."

However far away, I will always love you coffee!

And now let's talk about dreams. Because I had some crazy dreams last night that are probably related to our forthcoming Earth Day company picnic. I don't know what I'm a little stressed over it because it's just a picnic and we've got our hands all around it. But last night I dreamed that MCV (my cousin Vickie) and a whole car full of other cousins and randoms, showed up but the picnic was at my mom's house and I got there really late. So late that people were already eating their own potluck dishes and were NOT happy to be eating big dollops of sour cream and, hello, our picnic isn't even potluck!

That's the last time I eat that big Ruby Tuesday veggie burger so close to going to bed. In fact, I'm never eating again. Why? You ask. Because I'm going to do the master cleanse. Lemon juice and cayenne pepper, here I come!

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Tranny Mess

I stole this from my friend Michael's blog. So funny. Well, if you watched Project Runway it is.

Blackjack II

I was sad when it was revealed that my regular Blackjack wouldn't read the 2GB memory card that I got for it - mostly so I could take super-rad video at really white events to share with the sell-outs at Stuff White People Like.

Our corporate liaison to the world of wireless is ruthless in her efforts to ensure high-level functionality of equipment, so don't even worry ... I'm now sporting a Blackjack II. I'm a little sad because my other phone was like, BFF, and my new phone is this maroon color. I'm not really a color kind of guy when it comes to my equipment. Basic black works for me, thankyouverymuch. But beggars cannot be choosers, so I'm sure I'll get over it. In fact, I just got over it. So much truth to talking about something to resolve those feelings of uncertainty.

Today I must embark on re-downloading my cool Google Maps program, as well as Yahoo!. Does anyone else have programs they Simply. Must. Have. on their smartphone? If so, please share. I have 2GB to fill!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Right Place, Right Time

Yesterday morning when I awakened - 6:30 because I was tired like that - I took little Maddie out and was a bit perplexed by the big white something on the banks of the river. I squinted and kept thinking "Surely that's not a car." But after a minute I determined it was, and I decided to be better safe than sorry and called 911. Within 5 minutes multiple rescue units were on the scene. (I had to snap this image around 7 a.m. as it was too dark at 6:30.)

I'm glad I called. That's a 15-foot drop down the banks of the Black Warrior River, which is heavily trafficked by barges (and the UA intramural rowing teams!). It's raining today in Ttown. Y'all be careful and no river diving!